DOMESTIC LIFE
It doesn’t matter what temperature a room is,
it’s always room temperature. — Steven
Wright<br
from them? That is the worst feeling in the world
because what happens is, you refuse to accept that your
car is gone. I stood in the parking lot for two days;
I was like, “Nah, they’ll be back.” — Bill
Bellamy<br
your best friend. Big difference. To me, a friend is a
guy who will help you move. A best friend is a guy
who will help you move a body.<br
Attell<br
to scare the neighborhood kids, I lift it over my
head and tell them to get out of my yard or I’ll throw
it at them. — Steven Wright<br
to sleep in your eye makeup and not wake up looking
like Petie from the Little Rascals. — Elayne
Boosler<br
meant to be thrown away? — George Carlin<br
moved into an all-electric house. I forgot and left the
porch light on all day. When I got home, the front door
wouldn’t open. — Steven Wright<br
don’t care about the floor. I take vitamins; they drop;
they roll under the refrigerator. I don’t pick them
up. I have five years of vitamins under the
refrigerator. I’ll probably come home one night and find a
six-foot cockroach in Adidas saying, “I feel good!” –
Elayne Boosler<br